I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
