God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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