Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
