I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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