Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
