Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
