I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
