Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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