My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
