trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
