and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
PANTIES FOUND
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