Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
