never play flip cup with pint glasses
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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