New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
