so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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