My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Are my feet made of real feet?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
