i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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