i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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