pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
