my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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