Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
