I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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