Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
