So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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