Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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