neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
