party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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