I think I am morally bankrupt
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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