did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize