Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
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