From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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