im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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