did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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