Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
