drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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