Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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