What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize