Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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