i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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