and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
