it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize