they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
