i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
