Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
