did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
