I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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