i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
