I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
