Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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