ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
