he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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