I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize