Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
