by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
