Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
