The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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