I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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